Archive for May, 2011

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

 

What I Would Do If I Were Ever to be Invited to the Cannes Film Festival

  1. Dangle Naomi Campbell off a Russian oligarch’s super-yacht by her hair-weave
  2. Yell ‘how much for the whole night?’ at George Clooney’s girlfriend
  3. Congratulate Cheryl Cole on the marvellous irony of her judging a talent show
  4. Wear a Renault Espace as a hat and tell everyone it was a Gaga-esque fashion homage
  5. Try to sign Brad Pitt up for my film idea: a remake of Se7en, in which Spacey severs Gwyneth Paltrow’s ACTUAL head (if he’s heard her singing, he’s bound to be up for it)

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

Things I Can Guarantee My Mother will Wish To Discuss in Every Single Phone-Call

  1. The price of cushions in Dunelm
  2. The outrage of People With Jobs shopping in Morrisons when 70-year-olds want to buy their biscuits at 8pm on a Thursday evening
  3. The hidden dangers of crossing the road (because clearly I have never navigated one successfully yet, despite considerable evidence to the contrary)
  4. There is never anything on TV
  5. The price of tea-towels in Dunelm
  6. Her latest all-out Navy Seals-style attack on some poor call-centre flunkey
  7. The resulting and usually incredibly impressive deal she wrangled out of aforementioned poor call-centre flunkey (who now has her name on a blacklist of Pensioners To Avoid)
  8.  What my husband and I will be having/have had for dinner
  9. How her immaculately fault-free parenting has made me the person I am today
  10. The price of curtains in Dunelm

Here’s the thing. I am addicted to lists. And, yes, I am too lazy to write a proper blog. So you’re stuck with this.

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

 

Things I Learned from my First Trip to the Local Leisure Centre Today

Today, in a spectacular triumph of hope over experience, I decided to go swimming at our local leisure centre. Despite not having sustained a head injury recently, for some reason I thought it would be the same as the spas and health clubs I’m lucky enough to review now and then as part of my job. How wrong can you be? (clue: very). Here’s what I learned:

  1. That £60 a month I had been paying at my previous, private and rather posh health club was FOR something: protection from the public
  2. Eye contact is apparently too much to hope for from the tickets chick at Reception. So is putting a comb through her hair, which looked like a squirrel was living in it
  3. Just because I smile at you in the changing room does not mean I want to hear about your hysterectomy/messy divorce/urge to weep during sex
  4. Every single man, woman and child in the cafeteria had a tattoo
  5. The pool lifeguard was so ugly he looked like his head was on backwards. Also, I think he may have been drooling
  6. Good personal hygiene is a closed book to the schoolchildren of my town
  7. If you like The League of Gentlemen, you will make many new friends at the Aqua-robics class
  8. I’m not a scientist, but I’d put the ratio of bleach to water in the swimming pool at roughly 95:5
  9. Shouting is the preferred past-time of women aged over 65
  10. It is not only high-security prisons that have orange plastic chairs nailed to the floor