Here’s the thing. I am addicted to lists. And, yes, I am too lazy to write a proper blog. So you’re stuck with this.


Things I Learned from my First Trip to the Local Leisure Centre Today

Today, in a spectacular triumph of hope over experience, I decided to go swimming at our local leisure centre. Despite not having sustained a head injury recently, for some reason I thought it would be the same as the spas and health clubs I’m lucky enough to review now and then as part of my job. How wrong can you be? (clue: very). Here’s what I learned:

  1. That £60 a month I had been paying at my previous, private and rather posh health club was FOR something: protection from the public
  2. Eye contact is apparently too much to hope for from the tickets chick at Reception. So is putting a comb through her hair, which looked like a squirrel was living in it
  3. Just because I smile at you in the changing room does not mean I want to hear about your hysterectomy/messy divorce/urge to weep during sex
  4. Every single man, woman and child in the cafeteria had a tattoo
  5. The pool lifeguard was so ugly he looked like his head was on backwards. Also, I think he may have been drooling
  6. Good personal hygiene is a closed book to the schoolchildren of my town
  7. If you like The League of Gentlemen, you will make many new friends at the Aqua-robics class
  8. I’m not a scientist, but I’d put the ratio of bleach to water in the swimming pool at roughly 95:5
  9. Shouting is the preferred past-time of women aged over 65
  10. It is not only high-security prisons that have orange plastic chairs nailed to the floor

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