What I Would Do If I Were Ever to be Invited to the Cannes Film Festival
- Dangle Naomi Campbell off a Russian oligarch’s super-yacht by her hair-weave
- Yell ‘how much for the whole night?’ at George Clooney’s girlfriend
- Congratulate Cheryl Cole on the marvellous irony of her judging a talent show
- Wear a Renault Espace as a hat and tell everyone it was a Gaga-esque fashion homage
- Try to sign Brad Pitt up for my film idea: a remake of Se7en, in which Spacey severs Gwyneth Paltrow’s ACTUAL head (if he’s heard her singing, he’s bound to be up for it)