What I Would Do If I Were Ever to be Invited to the Cannes Film Festival

  1. Dangle Naomi Campbell off a Russian oligarch’s super-yacht by her hair-weave
  2. Yell ‘how much for the whole night?’ at George Clooney’s girlfriend
  3. Congratulate Cheryl Cole on the marvellous irony of her judging a talent show
  4. Wear a Renault Espace as a hat and tell everyone it was a Gaga-esque fashion homage
  5. Try to sign Brad Pitt up for my film idea: a remake of Se7en, in which Spacey severs Gwyneth Paltrow’s ACTUAL head (if he’s heard her singing, he’s bound to be up for it)

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